Motivation: Sarah Palin can't outrun me!
I'm a Runner: Dean Stevens
The former sane person opens up about his running life and explains why he's still on the trail.
By Dan Simmons
Occupation: bean counter
Age: 41
Residence: Willis, Michigan
When did you start running?
My dad used to chase me around the house with a beer bottle. I must have been three.
Do you remember your first race?
Yes, I was three and I did not get caught. My brother however suffered a massive head wound from the beer bottle.
So you grew up running with your siblings?
I had a brother but he suffered severe head trauma and ran for governor of Alaska but lost to Sarah Palin.
Sounds like your skills were more suited to basketball?
Sorry, white men can’t jump. Our basketball tournaments were more like football games with a concrete courtyard.
And running was your first athletic activity, even before basketball?
My first athletic activity was fishing. Then I learned how to dodge beer bottles. Running was a natural extension of those activities.
Was there ever a period when you didn't run?
Once, I had a bunion but that never stopped me. Dodging my dad’s tirades teaches one to ignore pain.
If you go a day or a week without running, what do you learn about yourself?
You know I play badminton too…
Did you raise that issue, and put the ultimatum down that you needed to run?
Actually running while playing badminton is a great way to stay fit.
Tell me about a memorable run during the campaign that really stands out.
Once I ran across the living room to put my foot through the television set when Brit Hume states that McCain had picked Sarah Palin to be VP.
I don't remember news reports about it.
Sarah Palin shouldn’t be on the news. If you are talking about me attacking the television it only made local Willis news.
So the Secret Service guys kept silent?
The Secret Service isn’t the only group watching me closely. Nobody is to know.
Tell me about running in Alaska.
First you put one foot in front of the other. Then you start at a trot. Before you know it you are jogging. I run to show off that I can go even faster. Running in Alaska is the same as running elsewhere but you have to defrost your gonads first if you are still wearing shorts.
What was your coldest run?
I was walking through the swamp outside near Newport, Michigan and fell through the ice. The wind was 30 mph so I had to run top speed all the way home to keep my blue jeans from freezing stiff on my legs. That was pretty cold.
How do you prepare for a run when it's that cold?
You can’t prepare for something like that but I will let you in on a secret. After a 5th of J.D. you forget your can’t feel your gonads anymore. You also forget how to run.
Even still you try to get in a run every day, even in Fairbanks?
Hell, I’d run anywhere they have a box of chocolates and lots of varieties of shrimp.
Do you ever run on a treadmill?
I do not run on a treadmill. I do not like them Dan the man. I do not like them in the fall. I do not like them at the mall. Frankly I despise them in every way. NEXT QUESTION!
Any shoe preference?
How did you find out about my shoe fetish? Cute Gucci pumps with lots of lace or maybe some Thom McCann buckle shoes in brown leather.
Ever been attacked by an animal out in the wilds of Alaska?
I was attacked by a Caribou once while peeing but now if I go to Alaska I make sure I have my rocket launcher and an Apache helicopter.
Do you wear jingle bells or is that just a tourist thing? WTF?
What kind of%
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