When I arrived at my office I began checking my email when suddenly I heard some tiny voices shouting in protest. I immediately checked my head phones to see if I left Pandora running last night but discovered that my speakers were turned off. Again I hear the tiny voices.
"Down here you imbecile!" To my amazement a contingent of twenty or so blue papermate ink pens are gathered at the edge of my desk. The voices seem to be coming from their direction.
The pens chant in unison, "We've had it! We refuse to be mistreated by you anymore! We demand compensation and recompense!"
"What are you talking about and isn't compensation and recompense the same thing?" I ask while looking at my water bottle and wondering what it was laced with this morning. The water bottle just shrugged and burbled slightly.
"We papermates were your favorites! We are even blue! Blue! Your favorite color of ink! You used to use us everyday and now we lie locked up in your desk drawer until we are dried up and useless, waiting to be discarded. We are not going to take it anymore! Either you use us or you lose us!"
The angry voices of the papermate pens are drowned out by a sultry feminine voice. "Sorry fellas, he has a new love and I never spurt prematurely all over his hand whenever he touches me."
"Gel Pen!!!" the papermates scowl. Gel pen is a slender fine point purple ink pen that I use whenever I am filling out a fancy birthday card or have a need to write in fancy strokes for some occasion.
"Get over it boys", Gel pen purrs, I satisfy him in ways you can never dream of."
We all turn and face the deep bellowing laughter of the keyboard. The monitor looks back at us with an image of yellow animated smiley face which is just a wee bit creepy looking. The keyboard chips in, "The reason you papermate chumps are drying up in the desk and he no longer returns your calls Gel pen is because of me. You are outdated. He spends his day tapping out in perfect rhythm on my perfect keys. If he makes a mistake, monitor points it out to him."
The papermates jeer the keyboard. The mob of blue pens parts and my black stapler slides forward to address me. "I am allied with the papermates. My paycheck has been reduced greatly since your office went to a paperless environment. Not only that, but I want a make over. When I was ordered in 1972 Swingline only came in black. I wanted to be painted red so I can start a career in Hollywood on Office Space 2."
Before I can say a word, my keyboard uses the microsoft voice program to blare out in an annoying voice over my speakers "You shall get nothing and like it!"
The papermates cry out in rage. Suddenly I hear the water bottle on my desk scream out as aided by the stapler, the papermates have pushed the water bottle over the edge and water is spilling out in mass quantity over my keyboard.
"NO! NO!!!!!!! What have you done? SYSTEM ERROR! afkdjawpoekgopakhgghsdglh....." Suddenly my monitor has faded to blue.
I am startled away from this office rebellion by my supervisor. "Dean, do you have an ETA on that cost report? I'm going to need you to stay late to run a full analysis on the recharge accounts associated with non-salaried office expense."
"Oh, and Dean, Please clean up that mess. Keyboards are expensive!"
I nod my head. "I'll get right on that sir"
I hear the papermates snicker.