Episode 5: Rednecks Hate Trees
You know those feel good nature stories where you can almost hear the bluebirds singing in the background, while two bunnies look at you from their deep, dark brown eyes, wiggling their noses cutely under the loving protection of a grand old Oak tree…this is NOT that story! I found out early on while living in Willis that rednecks hate trees. I’m not talking the usual stuff you’ve come to expect like peeing on a tree or wrapping it in Christmas bulbs twelve months a year…NO! Rednecks REALLY hate trees. Now, although I am a tree hugger, I must admit I can understand removing a tree diseased with herpes, or removing a giant tree that someone cleverly planted next to the foundation or waterline when young and supple never realizing that it gets 8 feet in diameter. I can also understand removing a spouse for the same reasons. What I don’t understand is putting up with a tree for years and then suddenly saying to yourself, “Hay, who put dat der tree in mah yerd? Dammit it’s got to go!”
Now Bubba (whose real name is Steve, but I am trying to protect him from Greenpeace) started out on the wrong foot with trees when he first moved in. Bubba bought the house from Leaf-blower man (another story) about four years ago and moved his mate and brood of twelve into a charming single-wide trailer style home in his monster truck named Danica. You see Bubba couldn’t get Danica into the drive way because this charming 75 year old sugar maple tree was near the edge of his drive and he would have to lower Danica’s suspension by at least three feet if he were going to keep the tree. That just wouldn’t fly. The next morning Bubba and the entire brood planted 27 sticks of TNT they got on sale at a fireworks stand on the Ohio-Kentucky border for $3.75 a stick under the base of the tree. I am still trying to get the wood splinters from the explosion out of my eye. Anyway his tree problem seemed to be over. BUT, that tree had a sibling. The sibling was another sugar maple beauty with a full complement of sturdy limbs and lush green leaves.
At first Bubba and the brood tried to co-exist. They hung rubber tires from it and used it as a deer blind in the fall…don’t ask! Then, slowly at first, they began cutting off limbs. The first to go was the limb with the rubber tire swing. It was great fun at first watching Bubba’s brood tried to swing from the tire on the ground. I think it was three months before they learned that it had to be attached to the tree to get any lift. I thought after a while they had decided to let the tree live. On July 4th while most Willis residents were trying to blast their fingers off and make their ears bleed with illegal M-80 firecrackers, this brave bunch of rednecks decided to kill the tree D-E-D—ded! Sure as Bubba loves 6-packs of Old Milwaukee; he came out with the biggest chainsaw I’ve ever seen in my life. This turbo-charged, 12 cylinder, bored out special had twin Holly carburetors and a cherry bomb muffler. Thank goodness it had a key starter because I can’t imagine the amount of torque needed to pull-start that bad boy! I think Danica is jealous of it. Six hours later, the only thing left was the shattered skeleton-trunk of that once majestic Maple, 136 empty cans of Old Milwaukee, and a Captain Morgan fire that could be seen from outer space. Which bring me to my next Episode: Rednecks LOVE Fire!
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