satire_fish_tale.pdf |
Welcome students, I am Professor Hindsight. You young Tuna are schooling here today at the Tunaversity of Arizona because knowledge is power. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; breathe deep from the well or drown like Man.
In our history lesson today, we will learn about our stupid ancestors who watched hypnotically as Man dropped shiny gold objects and wood monstrosities into our homes. Later, these dull-witted ancestors witnessed the virtual destruction of our hated enemy, the water mammals, by a black filmy substance emitted from the mobile metal islands of Man. Because of human nets, our ancestors were almost exterminated with the remaining water mammals.
I hear your cries of disgust, students, but you fail to see that Man had supreme wisdom. Having eliminated our ancestors' enemies, he graciously nurtured our world and ended his. By mass producing carbon monoxide, he thickened the cloud layer, causing a reduction of the polar caps and the growth of our world. Using just the right level of fluorocarbons, Man allowed enough radiation through to begin reducing his numbers (through disease and sterility). Near the end of the Man era, he ran out of oil to blanket our surface, patched the ozone so that it could support small air-breathers, stopped hunting us with his metal floating islands, and sent his wastes in a giant ship to the sun.
Finally, one Holy Savior completed his mission by selflessly releasing all the nuclear arsenals, destroying Man's reign of terror with a benevolence that eliminated the ice caps, filled the oceans, and mutated our ancestors, causing a massive growth of cerebral tissue.
Today, the intellect catalyst, which also created giant kelp forests, still lingers. We Tuna have over-populated our waters and depleted some of our food sources. We destroy kelp forests to fuel our public transportation systems, depleting our oxygen supply as well as polluting it. Different schools encourage our greatest minds to create bacteria that seals the gills of rival school members, killing them. Yes, my students, without Man, where would we be now?